You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
