Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
