I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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