It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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