The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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