Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
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someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
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There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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