Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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