Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
