also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I just threw up on my dentist
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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