While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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