did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
