Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
