I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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