Can i not drive my cunt home
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Randomize
