It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
