Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
