party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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