dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
