If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Randomize
