There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
