So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
