If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
