Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
