I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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