I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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