I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
