Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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