I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
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You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
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I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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