you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
