i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
