I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
