It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
