Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
