he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
