I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Randomize
