organizing the empties. That sober.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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