Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
