i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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