I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I had to cum in my sink.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
