either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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