Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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