Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
