shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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