you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
