i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
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