Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
