Just fell off a train. Bad.
Pappa wants mamma naked
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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