My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
