im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I wish there were birth control emojis
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
