I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Randomize
