I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
