I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I am one with the molecules
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
