if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
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