i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Randomize
