I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
