I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Randomize
